Due date photo...I'm speechless

Not a great picture, but you can see all of me ;-) Today's my due date...it's just a matter of time!

I CAN have a vaginal birth

I was blessed with a cesarean, I guess, back in the day when VBACs were 'allowed', because when I looked at the ICAN website and their new database of hospies in the US, I was shocked to see that out of the nearly sixty hospitals in Oklahoma, only seven allow VBACs (and none of them are one of the three hospitals in which I had a VBAC. I had three hospital VBACs, and they did all the things that are not allowed these days, ie induction. Except Sam, who came on his own...but the staff at Norman Regional were supportive of no monitoring, no IV, they let me labor alone with dh. Now, they are banned in 'de facto', meaning that no OB that is contracted there does VBAC. And nothing against Durant (I even know where that is!) but how can THEY have a hospital that allows VBACS, but all these big city hospitals in the OKC and Tulsa metro don't?

Time has a magazine article this week about the risks of multiple cesareans, and how 57% of women with repeat csections desired a VBAC but were discouraged.  Check it out....

From I-CAN, the international cesarean awareness network...

OU Medical Center Oklahoma City Oklahoma Allowed

Saint Anthony Hospital Oklahoma City Oklahoma Allowed

Reynolds Army Community Hospital Fort Sill Oklahoma Allowed

St. John Medical Center Tulsa Oklahoma Allowed

Hillcrest Medical Center Tulsa Oklahoma Allowed

Medical Center of Southeastern Oklahoma - Durant Durant Oklahoma Allowed

Muskogee Regional Medical Center Muskogee Oklahoma Allowed

"Did you hear the one about the lady with eight babies?"

Yes, yes and finally yes. EVERYONE has been asking me about this. Of course, because I'm expecting baby #8. So obviously I'm as crazy. I want to point out that I have no idea what made her choose IVF to the tune of 14 children. I also want to point out that judgement is not mine.

For us, we didn't plan our children...we're quiverfull. This means that we trust in God to provide not only money and time and 'stuff', but also kindness, courtesy, peace WITH our children. And while sometimes it seems peace is in short supply, there is never a time in which my children are lacking. Because we view our children as a blessing from God, how could we ever mistreat or resent their presence? I'm really offended by this article at msnbc.com talking about 'baby addiction'. I've already heard from family and friends over the past ten years about how having children can't fix your own issues (no kidding), and that I have 'too many' (which is like saying you have too many flowers, paraphrasing Mother Theresa)

Anyway, MSNBC's professional therapist has said
Kids need more than money
But having large numbers of children certainly can strain a family’s finances and emotional reserves, Varma says, and that can negatively impact the children. “Are neglect, abuse, emotional disturbances in children more likely in a situation like this? It’s definitely possible.” Finances and emotional reserves can affect child rearing, whether you have one child or twenty.

Kids in large families — particularly those involving a lot of youngsters close in age — who don’t get enough attention because their mother is depressed or overwhelmed, for instance, may become anxious or depressed themselves, says family psychologist Nadine Kaslow, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University in Atlanta. On the other hand, they may act out to get attention.Again, this is true no matter how many children you have. I know people with TWO children who can't cope, who are depressed, who ignore their children because they don't know how to play or just Be with them.

“It’s really important when you have children to have resources,” Kaslow says. “Not just financial resources but emotional resources.” Funny how this is more important when she's talking about big families. I do not know anyone with a big family who does not have financial and emotional resources. We are a community brought together by the same disdain that this woman shows for people with large families. argh, I just choke on the rest of my argument...moving on!

Peterson says some of the most “damaged” children are those in very poor homes and those in very rich ones. Young children, especially, don’t thrive when they are raised by an army of nannies — even fabulous nannies — at the expense of bonding time with their parents, she says. Nannies come and go, which can be devastating to children who spend the majority of their time with these caregivers.Again, I feel this is true, whether you have one child or twenty. To claim that this is solely in the realm of large families is narrow and provoking.

The author of the article DOES mention in a short paragraph that 'plenty' of large families are not the result of 'baby addiction', I would say MOST. One short line, in a long article emphasizes that damage can occur in small families as well. Too bad they couldn't take the time to show how much joy and happiness can exist in a large family.

The irony of yesterdays post....

Today I got my own special package in the mail...

The booklet has eight pages about the wonders of breastfeeding, and 24 pages about how to use formula to make your life easier if you breastfeed. Plus two free cans of formula! 

Isn't that special?

I think it's freakin creepy...how did these people KNOW I was pregnant? I haven't seen a local OB, midwife or pediatrician during this pregnancy. I haven't signed up for any clubs. And suddenly, a month before I'm due, a bunch of papers about how to get my free formula and diaper bag from the hospital (we're having a homebirth) and where to get good bottles, and freebies/coupons.

Check out that tummy!

33 weeks (and six days) prego...baby is doing great!

Very active, gaining well. I've stopped gaining weight, probably because I'm not taking it as easy as I was...two more weeks until we'd be safe with a homebirth.

I got my first "Oh, is it twins?" comment, which is funny to me. Feels like it,

if we hadn't had two ultrasounds I might believe it. Feels like Cain and Abel in there!

here I am just eight weeks ago!

So much for NaBloPoMo

I really wanted to do 30 days of really intent mindful blogging, instead of my usual "Aren't my kids cute?" blathering, but honestly, today has been one of those days. I had a few ideas of what to blog about last night, but they were gone this morning when I woke up. And then today I had a GREAT idea, but prego brain strikes again, and honest to goodness, can't remember what I wanted to blog about. Sigh. They say you lose half your brain cells when you're pregnant. What about if you're pregnant and/or nursing for fourteen years? There has to be some kind of half like, but honestly...if I lost half with Josh, and half more with each child, I've only 1/128th parts left. That's frightening, yet explains the aphasia I seem to have when talking to acquaintances. As well as the mild hostility I have with stupid people lately (like the guy doing forty in a sixty mph on the highway, while talking on the phone, eating AND reading the paper) I was tempted to take him out, he'd never know if he caused the wreck or not...and it kind of goes back to my Darwinist roots. Survival of the fittest baby...

Speaking of surviving babies, we had an ultrasound today, baby is looking good. Level II and all is well (we were exposed to fifths disease a few weeks back). We even got to find the gender (hahaa....ask my friends who know, you have to PAY for this knowledge) We played with friends yesterday, and Wednesday we volunteered at HUGS. We did skip F&S for friends today, which makes me feel guilty, but I was swiped. My email is all kinds of disturbed, and Cox is not great with customer service. Twice on their IM service counter, the rep logged out JUST as I passed the queue. grrr. I'm going to Apple next, I don't even know why I bother with anyone else. They'll fix it even if it's not Mac related.

By the way....aren't my kids cute?

All Souls Day

I think it's interesting that my mother-in-law and father-in-law had their monument set in place in time for this weekend, and this is the first year that I've actually been able to think about all the dearly departed in my life without feeling overwhelmed by the emotions. In fact, it wasn't until we lost our last three babies that I could come to terms and we were able to name our first lost baby. It was tremendously healing, and I can sit in my serenity spot and think about my babies with a little sadness, and with some pleasure in what changes they wrought while on this planet, for whatever short time. 

We have the opportunity at the church we attend to list our beloved for prayers, but it just seems so....personal, i guess, to share that pain. Maybe that's what church is supposed to be about, I dunno. But i have my list, in my heart, and it's even got categories. Most painfully missed to people I should miss and never knew well enough to do so (my maternal grandmother, for one) Maybe I mourn the missed opportunities, the relationship I *should* have had with her. 

And what about people I didn't know, but those who made a great opportunity in my life for change? I think mostly of my friend Diana, and her beloved daughter Hannah, whom she lost just shortly before we met IRL at a Live and Learn conference. The announcement of her passing, was like a dash, I don't know, of cold water, of flames, of some passion across my heart. Me, with my tag-along gang of kids...how could Diana be at a conference after losing her baby? How could she *Be*....much less *be* anywhere? I lingered at the table of momentos, beloved Brat dolls left by adoring friends, a comfort quilt made with blocks from unschooling families across the country, and most precious, small bags of Hannah's ashes, left with love and trust by a mourning mother. Over and over again, I returned to that table to run my fingertips gently over those little packages of person....Hannah I never knew. I never did take one, and that was a lesson for me as well, regret after being fearful, rather than living joyfully and being willing to share.

I have realized, however, that taking Hannah's ashes weren't necessary for me. I have my serenity spot, with the ashes of my Abigail, and my Matthew (I still have Asher, I haven't been able to let go of him quite yet, he's still too young in my heart, and John Wallace was so many years ago, that he is there in spirit, just like Hannah. The hospital never even released his remains). She was interred there just as I did my own children, and she feels at home, listening to kids laugh and watching them swing in the vines on the old trees. I sit there and I internalize that we are all just ashes, and really, rather than spread those ashes, we should spread the spirit. I feel Hannah's spirit in that spot...I can sit and come away feeling like I can be the mother I want, the one that has no regrets. I can be the mother that realizes your child should NEVER be taken for granted, because in less than two weeks, they can go from perfectly healthy to gone.

Part of what I gained was seeing how Diana continued to develop as a mother with Hayden, after Hannah was gone. I've been rereading her 'after' blog, and seeing how she worked really hard with the depression and anger and frustration and I realized, *I* have been having anger and depression from the loss I have experienced. Not just the babies, but the loss of the life I expected, of what I assumed would happen, that loss of control. The anger emotion, it takes over and makes it hard to unschool. The trust of the universe is gone, your belief that God wants what's best for you is gone, because you can't see past that fear and frustration...and without seeing past that, you can't find, much less SHARE, love and compassion and trust with your children.