Crazy Drivers

George Carlin once said, "anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac" I wonder ....what if you are the only person doing the speed limit? Does it still sound as crazy?

Yesterday I was driving to the city for my last meeting of the week (whew) and I was blown away by the driving that occurs during rush hour. I'm relatively protected, my driving usually occurs in the early afternoon or late evenings. Perhaps rush hour wouldn't exist if people just weren't so tired and self-focused at the end of the day. One guy on the cell phone, going just five miles under, obviously engrossed in his conversation as he swerved into my lane. Another driver doing FORTY in a 65 MPH as she ate, glanced at her GPS system (big enough for me to see in my car) AND talked on the cell phone. (If I hadn't been driving...I wanted a picture desperately to prove to people how INSANE THIS IS!) At least she didn't swerve at me...but there was a line of very impatient people behind her causing issues as THEY swerved to change lanes and get around her. Add someone adding cream to their coffee. An exhausted mom making eye contact with her child in the backseat, probably hadn't seen him all day. Everyone wanting to get home (or those unfortunate third shift workers just heading in)...

There was an accident yesterday, we drove by. I'm not sure how it occurred, it was in clean up stages. However, there was a blurb in the news...sedan driving N/S, and a motorcycle driving E/W. You can imagine who lost that one. The guy on the motorcycle lost a leg....severed was the word used on NewsOk. But you know it wasn't that clean....torn, broken and bleeding from his body. Severed just sound a bit too clean for the horrendous ending of this accident. Doc just posted about a girl caught speeding through a construction zone....107 MPH...busy on her cell phone...didn't notice?

What has happened in our society that this is okay? That driving two ton vehicles is SO taken for granted that those doing so don't need to take consideration for their actions? That while we're doing 70 MPH it's okay to remove a hand from the wheel to shovel food in our mouth? That reading the paper is okay? That resetting the calendar on your iPhone is acceptable practice? It's better when I drive because I only get glimpses of the idiocy....because when I'm a passenger, it makes me sick. I do have to applaud the blue Audi that was pulled over on the highway to talk on the phone....thanks! You made my day!

I was told the other day that I should 'expand' my children's opportunities, by enrolling them in extracurricular activities. Which ones? I asked. Oh, they need sports to keep them active, and music to develop math skills, and a hobby to fill their empty time...and expecting that they attend regularly, whether they care to or not, builds character and discipline. However, letting them draw goofy pictures, for an hour or two, does not? Who has defined this activity as 'not learning, whereas being forced to run back and forth kicking a ball for two hours is learning?

I find it ironic that the same people who say that children must be in school to learn, so that the 'repetition' of the lessons helps children learn, are the people who also tell us that we should not let those same children, in their spare time, choose the same activity over and over.

What? How is it that our society has managed, for thousands of years, to develop wonderful intelligent human beings without soccer programs and art classes and choral societies for children?

One of the docents at the museum pictured above asked why the kids didn't have worksheets or notebooks to write down what they learned. I looked around, and asked her which adults were carrying worksheets or notebooks. Of course, none were. I assume the expectation is that 1) adults have learned all that they need to know or 2) adults are smart enough that we trust them to learn what they are interested in. Why can we not believe, TRUST, the same thing for children? Our time there was not wasted because we did not write notes or memorize facts. Everyone found something to interest them, and that is learning enough, isn't it?

Pregnancy hormones

quote: Mood swings are very common because of these hormone changes - it is not something you have much control over. Nearly all pregnant women are prone to emotional ups and downs. Common “side effects” include bouts of feeling unsure and panicky, extreme reactions to minor things and even crying. Unquote

Nice to know. Thought I'd warn the rest of the planet. It's in full swing here...mostly, though, I'm too tired to really play out the reactions...it's all in my head that I'm sacrificing people to some ancient Aztec god...

Nice picture of Emily, though, wouldn't you say? 'Bout sums it all up in our house for the last few weeks (eh, months) Good news is that the ticker says we have 114 more days. Then we can begin the joys of postpartum hormones. 

I'm not really sure how I feel about this...excuse for the hormones. I mean, it's nice to have the rational reason for being angry, but wouldn't it be nice just to feel NORMAL for a bit? It can NOT be rational to have these weird things pop up in my head, like when dh was working on the car and I was furious that he came home for lunch and ignored me. Hello?! He scarfed down a meal so he could change the lights in my dad's car so I could drive it safely tonight. How very sweet! Even if he didn't know I had to take the truck for the space tonight...I had to keep saying to myself "He didn't know that..." (Grrr, did he ask?) before I put the car into reverse and backed over him.  

I read once that anger is like an addiction...a person can become accustomed to the rush of adrenaline, the false sense of control, the ability to share hurtful things and suffer only the feeling of regret. I believe it, I've lived it! What a horrible thing to get used to...much less depend on for an unhealthy emotional stability. I've worked through a lot of that...so it's rather disconcerting to have minor scuffles fill me with blinding rage. So, many prayers and lots of hope for sleep, please!

So much for NaBloPoMo

I really wanted to do 30 days of really intent mindful blogging, instead of my usual "Aren't my kids cute?" blathering, but honestly, today has been one of those days. I had a few ideas of what to blog about last night, but they were gone this morning when I woke up. And then today I had a GREAT idea, but prego brain strikes again, and honest to goodness, can't remember what I wanted to blog about. Sigh. They say you lose half your brain cells when you're pregnant. What about if you're pregnant and/or nursing for fourteen years? There has to be some kind of half like, but honestly...if I lost half with Josh, and half more with each child, I've only 1/128th parts left. That's frightening, yet explains the aphasia I seem to have when talking to acquaintances. As well as the mild hostility I have with stupid people lately (like the guy doing forty in a sixty mph on the highway, while talking on the phone, eating AND reading the paper) I was tempted to take him out, he'd never know if he caused the wreck or not...and it kind of goes back to my Darwinist roots. Survival of the fittest baby...

Speaking of surviving babies, we had an ultrasound today, baby is looking good. Level II and all is well (we were exposed to fifths disease a few weeks back). We even got to find the gender (hahaa....ask my friends who know, you have to PAY for this knowledge) We played with friends yesterday, and Wednesday we volunteered at HUGS. We did skip F&S for friends today, which makes me feel guilty, but I was swiped. My email is all kinds of disturbed, and Cox is not great with customer service. Twice on their IM service counter, the rep logged out JUST as I passed the queue. grrr. I'm going to Apple next, I don't even know why I bother with anyone else. They'll fix it even if it's not Mac related.

By the way....aren't my kids cute?

Insurance Premiums on the Rise

Well, Republicans have taken over the Oklahoma Senate. Honestly, I wouldn't care one way or the other, they're all people, regardless of political affiliation. However, I know that the Republicans last year fought against Nick's Law, which would require health insurance companies to pay for autism treatments. The argument by house republicans was that it was a mandate that would 'raise premiums', which would then be passed on to the average joe, approximately one dollar a month to cover, oh, about $4000 in monthly therapy for children. Seems like a good investment, especially considering that once these children turn eighteen years of age, that monthly price will be passed on to the taxpayers in terms of state government assistance, to the tune of millions of dollars (and I've blogged that before...)

Recent analysis has shown, in the past eight years, the average health insurance premium has risen by 30 percent. Considering that in our area, most families are paying monthly over $1000 dollars currently just for premiums (and deductibles have risen as well), $1 is by far less than 30% (oh, like 0.001% for those who can't do math). So our premiums have gone up, for little good, 30% and no one sees a problem with this, and yet, one mandate requiring that insurance companies DO THEIR JOB AND PAY FOR THERAPY to the tune of less than 1000th of the premium, and that's an issue.

And why are insurance companies lobbying against mandates such as Nick's Law? Because it will cut out of their multi BILLION dollar PROFIT. Not net income, but profit. And trust me, their lobbyists are at the capital every day of session, smiling and shaking hands because they are paid to be. We parents show up and do what we can, but we aren't perfectly coiffed, we don't have fancy suits, and the lawmakers that work for us consider us as lesser people. We have children that we care for, ones that often don't get into daycare because of their special needs, no one will take them. Ones that have therapy, that we pay for out of pocket, in the middle of the day while these lobbyists are working against us.

And what do insurance companies have to say for themselves? I quote my very own insurance representative (and his supervisor, who repeated it all to me)

"Autism is a mental illness, and we're not required to pay for that" (uh, no, research shows that it's a neurobiological disorder)

"We can't cover every child who's parents decide that they are autistic" (um, what about the ones who have a drs note?)

"We don't pay for therapy because there are government programs that pay for that"

Oh, that one is my favorite! Because I would like the new Rupublicans of Oklahoma, and the old ones to, to look closely at this and their self-stated goals of fiscal responsibility. Because it seems to me that these lobbyists, from whom you accept donations (the man who worked largely against Nick's Law received $30,000 from insurance lobbyists) are passing the buck to your constituents. That's not very fiscally responsible....tsk tsk. How about you guys look at requiring insurance companies to pay their bills, instead of passing it off to us?

All Souls Day

I think it's interesting that my mother-in-law and father-in-law had their monument set in place in time for this weekend, and this is the first year that I've actually been able to think about all the dearly departed in my life without feeling overwhelmed by the emotions. In fact, it wasn't until we lost our last three babies that I could come to terms and we were able to name our first lost baby. It was tremendously healing, and I can sit in my serenity spot and think about my babies with a little sadness, and with some pleasure in what changes they wrought while on this planet, for whatever short time. 

We have the opportunity at the church we attend to list our beloved for prayers, but it just seems so....personal, i guess, to share that pain. Maybe that's what church is supposed to be about, I dunno. But i have my list, in my heart, and it's even got categories. Most painfully missed to people I should miss and never knew well enough to do so (my maternal grandmother, for one) Maybe I mourn the missed opportunities, the relationship I *should* have had with her. 

And what about people I didn't know, but those who made a great opportunity in my life for change? I think mostly of my friend Diana, and her beloved daughter Hannah, whom she lost just shortly before we met IRL at a Live and Learn conference. The announcement of her passing, was like a dash, I don't know, of cold water, of flames, of some passion across my heart. Me, with my tag-along gang of kids...how could Diana be at a conference after losing her baby? How could she *Be*....much less *be* anywhere? I lingered at the table of momentos, beloved Brat dolls left by adoring friends, a comfort quilt made with blocks from unschooling families across the country, and most precious, small bags of Hannah's ashes, left with love and trust by a mourning mother. Over and over again, I returned to that table to run my fingertips gently over those little packages of person....Hannah I never knew. I never did take one, and that was a lesson for me as well, regret after being fearful, rather than living joyfully and being willing to share.

I have realized, however, that taking Hannah's ashes weren't necessary for me. I have my serenity spot, with the ashes of my Abigail, and my Matthew (I still have Asher, I haven't been able to let go of him quite yet, he's still too young in my heart, and John Wallace was so many years ago, that he is there in spirit, just like Hannah. The hospital never even released his remains). She was interred there just as I did my own children, and she feels at home, listening to kids laugh and watching them swing in the vines on the old trees. I sit there and I internalize that we are all just ashes, and really, rather than spread those ashes, we should spread the spirit. I feel Hannah's spirit in that spot...I can sit and come away feeling like I can be the mother I want, the one that has no regrets. I can be the mother that realizes your child should NEVER be taken for granted, because in less than two weeks, they can go from perfectly healthy to gone.

Part of what I gained was seeing how Diana continued to develop as a mother with Hayden, after Hannah was gone. I've been rereading her 'after' blog, and seeing how she worked really hard with the depression and anger and frustration and I realized, *I* have been having anger and depression from the loss I have experienced. Not just the babies, but the loss of the life I expected, of what I assumed would happen, that loss of control. The anger emotion, it takes over and makes it hard to unschool. The trust of the universe is gone, your belief that God wants what's best for you is gone, because you can't see past that fear and frustration...and without seeing past that, you can't find, much less SHARE, love and compassion and trust with your children. 

Saturdays well spent...

Or not. The dryer has been acting fuzzy, and I was told Thursday by my minions that it wasn't heating up. 

Nonsense, I responded. Stop putting it on 'air fluff' and it's fine. And for heaven's sake, don't use 'wrinkle shield' either. Both of those are ways to get out of sorting clean clothes. It's not like I ask them to put clothes away (or heaven forbid, fold them) I'm thinking of going straight to not sorting clean clothes either, and just having them throw their entire basket of clothes in and wash so that there isn't sorting either. Just laundry in and laundry out in the same basket. They can put it away or not. We wash on cold anyway....who cares? 

Anyway, so far off topic....today dh pulls out the heating element and it is gone. Like missing part of the coil shot to heck gone. I'm so thankful I have a man who can take apart dryers. We found the part in OKC for not so much (much less than a new dryer cost, heck, much less than a repairman fixing an old dryer would cost)

Unfortunately, by the time we made the drive to OKC, the store was closed. Aw man. We only have about thirteen loads waiting to go in there, and we haven't even GATHERED laundry since Wednesday. sigh. But we dropped off granpa's movies, and dropped off bunkbed parts that I've hoarded for a friend, and stopped at Super Cao to pick up a fair share of rice flour, potato starch, tapioca and rice noodles for our wheat-free guy. We even found some good tahini and a wheat-free, corn-free satay...so it's all good.

Got home, and dh rigged the broken coils to work, so we could run a fire-hazard in the basement. In fact, all the smoke was from old lint burning off, and the smoke detector only went off for a few minutes. But you should know that lint IS highly flammable, and you should keep your vents clean and dry. :-) Fortunately I had already left to eat dinner with friends, and that, readers, IS a Saturday well spent. 

Psych appointments

First of all, we love our psychologist. Not just because she's the coolest ever, even though she is. Not just because she affirms me, even though she does. Not because she builds up my kids without tearing them down, although she does every single visit.

Not just because she's fair, she doesn't take the side of parent against child arbitrarily, she keeps her cool, breaks stuff down so that even I can understand it. But because she knows stuff.

Stuff like Adolescent something-or-another of Autism. Yeah, I'm so smart, we just left and i can't remember what it's called. Could be the four hours of sleep I got last night, since Ava isn't sleeping nights and Bre is up at 6am each morning. Add to that the burning flames of hades I have (some people call it heartburn, whatever)  every night until about midnight, my sleep pattern is not good. 

That's neither here nor there, but what Adolescent S-O-A of Autism consists of is a big, fat regression. Living with Bre right now is like living with the feral monkey that we knew at the age of two. She's having accidents again. She's incapable of using words to ask for what she wants. She's not eating food outside of rice and McDonald's nuggets. She *is* eating leaves and other wild plants at the park. I caught her sticking mistletoe berries in her mouth. She's running and screaming and mumbling in strange voices. She's biting her hands and eating the cuticles from her toes. It's a little frustrating and a lot scary. 

I've been blaming myself a lot...maybe I'm not maintaining enough of a routine. Perhaps her heavy work isn't regular enough, she needs more movement, jumping, swinging. I've been encouraging her, but she's really not listening. Maybe she's getting corn in somewhere...we've been very careful, all of her favorite foods have added dextrose or corn syrup lately, so I'm busting my butt making stuff from scratch to fulfill those needs. i can't make honey nut scooters from scratch however.

But I learned something great today...like most kids with autism undergo this when the flush of prepubescent hormones washes through their system. Drives their systems crazy, and they just can't regulate it. It's so well known (How well known is it?) well, it's so well known that even back in the day (haha) when drs just recommend you stick your kid in a closet or sanitarium after diagnosis, that they even talked about it back then. sigh. I never heard about it. 

Bad news, is that it can last 18 to 36 months....just long enough to make me insane, I'm guessing. Because I love this child desperately, but the screaming and moaning mutters. must. stop. now. I can handle about an hour before. i. need. a. drink. And I'm pregnant. and. can. not. drink.

Edit: To be fair to Bre, she really *is* doing good in some places. She really did buy a pumpkin at the patch. She will hold a book if I give it to her and actually read some of it. She's not hurting other people, which was a horrible part of her younger childhood that I am thankful we're not revisiting.

National Blog Post Month

I'm not by nature a 'joiner', but I do like to follow trends. I guess I'm a follower lol. When Mrs G  (I know, I keep talking about her, but how can you not love someone who brought back Derfward to me? much less named her blog Derfwad Manor...even dh loves her blog. Do you spell that s-y-c-o with a phant or fant?) posted about NaBloPoMO,  I thought "What a great idea! A kick in the pants, to keep blogging!" I can think of a few friends who might try this...ahem! You know who you are...I keep clicking on your blog and seeing the SAME ENTRY FOR A MONTH!

anyhoo

I can't promise it will be interesting, most likely it will be about my kids and me....so big surprise there.

But you'll learn all kinds of stuff you may or may NOT have wanted to know. ~wink~ There's a crapload of autism stuff coming up, and a crapload of baby stuff (like an ultra cool ultra sound coming up) So tune in and learn more about the Grayz than you ever wanted (or needed) to know.